My wife has been encouraging me to write lately, and I have to admit, it’s been hard.
We just moved from California to Texas, trading the coast of Oceanside for the plains of Fort Worth. In the chaos of it all and the excitement of new beginnings, I find myself in a continual state of tackling an unending list of tasks that need to be done daily. But my wife, in her discernment, reminded me of my calling. She encouraged me to set apart time to write, even in the midst of this busy season.
So, here I am again.
We just celebrated our one-year anniversary on October 5th. (Yes, I’m finally posting this blog after two months of ruminating on it!) Naturally, I wanted to write about what I’ve learned in our first year of marriage.
I think it’s funny when newlywed couples give advice about marriage. It feels a bit like a rookie trying to give pointers to NBA veterans. It’s especially ironic with CANOPI, the missions organization I work with in Central America. A big part of our ministry is offering marriage conferences to pastors who have been married for thirty-plus years. And yet, they are raising me up to teach about marriage.
But if I were to say one thing that I learned in my first year of marriage, it is this: I’ve learned how selfish I am.
It is quite a mystery how God can make two people into one flesh, but I’m reminded of what my grandma always says:
“When you get married, the two become one, but which one are you gonna be?”
Truthfully, the only times marriage has been hard have been the moments where there is selfishness.
What an incredible mystery: “And the two shall become one.”
The only way this is possible is if two people are willing to die.
Marriage requires death to self, self-denial, laying down our wants and desires, personal ambitions, and cravings for the good of the other. Yes, even sweets and treats!
To illustrate, let me share a quick side story.
A couple of weeks ago, our Aunt Heidi came into town and made us a batch of her famous lemon blueberry bars—my favorite dessert in the world! She made us two trays, and I ate a slice… or two every day.
I always tease my Olympian wife and tempt her into eating sweets with me, trying to break her discipline with charming persuasion, but she usually holds strong!
Eventually, I had worked my way down to two big slices left. After failing to get her to indulge, I decided that I would just bear the load and take care of the rest so she wouldn’t have to deal with the temptation anymore (so selfless of me, right?).
After eating one big slice, I went in for my second one, but I came to a screeching halt.
“Mitchhhh, stooooooooop!”
My wife had enough. What was once playful testing of the limits finally crossed the line.
At first, I was offended! How dare she control how I eat? I work out hard so I can eat hard, why can’t I have two lemon bars if I so choose?
But then, I remembered: I do not belong to myself any longer. Sarah and I are one flesh, and she has a say over what I eat. Discipline is important to her, and I had not been honoring her in that area of our lives.
And now I’m doing “No Sugar November.” 21 days in, and I actually feel really good 🙂 Thanks Sarah!
Marriage requires us to honor the other above ourselves. To honor my wife and place her needs higher than mine. Marriage is an incredible invention of the Lord to mature us and to accelerate our sanctification.
I’m reminded of Paul’s words in Ephesians when he speaks about the mystery of the two becoming one. But he’s not just talking about a husband and wife; he says:
“This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.” (Ephesians 5:32)
How selflessly did Christ lay His life down for us! How wonderful You are, Jesus, to pay the dowry to purchase us from sin and death’s grip, transferring us from the dominion of darkness into Your family, that we might spend eternity with You.
Jesus, You did whatever it took for us to become one with You, just as a man and a woman become one in marriage… AMAZING!
And then I think about us, the Church, today.
Is there selfishness in the Church?
If the Church is the Bride of Christ, how are we treating our Bridegroom? Are we honoring Him in our daily lives? Are we laying down our wants and desires, our personal ambitions and cravings, to pursue what’s pleasing to Him?
Imagine this: getting married to someone, saying vows, going on the honeymoon and then hardly talking to them again, never asking them questions about what they’re interested in, never sharing meals together, maybe hanging out on the occasional Sunday… and other times, only hanging out via Zoom (church online!)
Only ever doing what you care about… Imagine a marriage like that…
We give Jesus maybe one hour on the weekends, God-forbid we worship him for too long! Maybe if He’s lucky we give him one hour a day, because we got things to do, and people to see, man!
But we must remember: “Christ died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for Him who for their sake died and was raised again.” 2 Corinthians 5:15
“Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, For you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” [Paul is speaking of the whole Church!] 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Salvation is not a free gift; it was a costly price Jesus paid to purchase for himself a people to MARRY.
My question to the Church today is this: Do we treat Jesus like our husband? Do we submit to Jesus in everything and live to honor Him above ourselves?
Are we willing to give up our sweets and treats, our comforts and pleasures, to pursue His heart and desires?
Just as a husband is called to lay down his life for his wife, and a wife is called to give up her life for her husband, are we giving up our lives for Jesus?
Jesus says, “If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.” Matt 16:25 NLT
As we wholeheartedly profess to the world Jesus Christ as our Savior, let us joyfully submit our lives to Him in every way, trusting in His good, pleasing, and perfect will, and discovering the abundant life and true freedom that follow.
Now is the time, Church, to return to our first Honeymoon love for Jesus 🙂
Aunt Heidi’s famous lemon blueberry bars! Whaaaat! Bro. Don’t be a greedy Peetie, next time save me one
those bars would completely offset your intermittent fasting! haha
LOVE this, Mitch! Such beautiful insights. And congrats, you two lovebirds!
we’ve been catching foxes! 😉 we are so thankful for you and Chris in our lives!
Well done!
Glad you were encouraged to write again. You’ve definitely hit it on head. Selfishness is definitely a theme that begins to unfold as we become one in marriage. It also becomes even more apparent when you become a new parent. More boundaries are pushed and there can be more sweet treats during pregnancy. Lots of temptations.
Newlyweds are in boot camp so to speak in regards to uncovering their selfishness (fruits of the spirit underdeveloped).
It may be God’s way of preparing couples for what is to come one day if and when one makes a beautiful baby and starts growing their family…this is a deeper peeling back of the onion and refining of how deep the roots of selfishness go.
There can be the challenges of how each one was raised and how the two become one in how they will raise a child together.
There is a lot of grace and mercy developed in this phase of marriage along side turning of the other cheek and tongue training . Less is more at times and I have not mastered this nor always taming of the tongue even after 30 years of marriage but we press on, we go forward, we get back up,
we give a hand up, we cheer one another on to encourage one another to hear the words, “good and faithful servant as we one day meet our maker.”
So yes let us not tempt our wife, husband, brother or sister lets they may fall. Not so easy to do when you’re a skilled and gifted baker and baking is your love language plus everyone loves your baking. I’ve learned there is an emotional connection to my love of baking both positive and negative.
There are seasons when I must go without it for my own benefit and the benefit of others.
Oh the sweet and savory bits and pieces of life in and with Christ. It’s delicious!
It’s yummy!
And even the sweet treat that doesn’t rise, well it usually taste amazing even if it’s a hot melted mess. Why? It’s all mixed up with a labor of love. It’s all beautiful there is no flaw in it or you.
Heat tests us, refines us and makes us more valuable for Christ.
May we be that pleasing aroma and the light on a hill or like the salt….the something or someone that wants more of what is in you and that’s Jesus Christ. He’s the bread of Life that is rising up inside of us as we go from an immature starter to a mature (bread) starter to be shared and shared for generations to come.
Well done Mitchell,
Karrie aka as your moms cookie deliverer and soon bread deliverer
Very well said Karrie, thank you for sharing your wisdom with the rookies trying to say no to cookies ! Very beautifully written, blessings grace and peace to you and your family this holiday season!